How to play your bipolar cards right

I hate to be playing this bipolar card now, but it’s kind of just about the only thing that brings me joy in life. So you know what’s good about it? Every time my significant other tries to argue with me I yell out ‘I’m a sick person, you cannot do that to a sick person!’ The best part is you can apply this to just about anything.

-Did you pick up that thing I asked you to?

-I’m a sick person…

-Did you seriously eat that last piece of [insert food name]?

-I’m a sick person…

-Did you go to work today?

-I’m a sick person…

Here he usually starts freaking out a little because that’s exactly how my last episode started. And so then I tell him to chill the fuck out, and that I went to work today. And did not enjoy it at all, for that matter.

Funny story, I had to tell my boss everything that happened. Actually, I didn’t have to but I did anyway. Also, it wasn’t funny. We’ve been working together for 5 years now, and although we have gone into screaming matches in the past, we usually get along really well. I just thought she had the right to know that she’s working with a psycho, or a mentally ill person, or whatever it is, you people, like to call us. Her response was priceless, she just went ‘oh ok, so are you stable now? Good, we have a lot of projects pending’. And off to the regular business it was.

To my disappointment. I secretly wished I would get fired. And give up on life. A girl can only dream.

But no. They value my bright, and creative approach to problem solving. Also, being able to do 5 days worth of work in 1 day is not something that will get you fired. It is something that might land you into a psych ward. Remember that. See, we’re learning here. I’ve even tried finding my own mistakes and presenting them as ‘Look boss, that’s a mistake I made. And found. And fixed. Can you fire me now?.’ It’s been a no so far, but I keep trying.

I did use my bipolar card to try and work from home. But she was not having it. She was like ‘I worked from home, you never leave the house, and all the days will blur into one, and you don’t want that’. And in my head I was like that’s exactly what I want. Also, I will need at least two more cats, and a baby gorilla. Given local laws and regulations, we can skip the gorilla part. But logic prevailed and we agreed that daily interactions with humans, and their baby stories is EXACTLY what I need for a speedy recovery. I’m not so sure on the effectiveness of these methods, but my therapist thinks I’m doing great.

Speaking of therapists, I’ve been seriously upset about the fact that I have to keep seeing one now. But then I thought ‘OMG, this is such a New York thing to have’. You don’t have a therapist? What are you normal or something? You’re such a basic bitch, now hand me my pumpkin spiced latte.

In conclusion, let’s all keep our jobs, have a mental illness, get therapists, and start a cult. And then once we have enough wealthy participants, we can quit our jobs. It’s bulletproof. Just don’t tell my therapist I said that.

But seriously, hope everyone is being well. And seriously, don’t tell my therapist this last part.


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