Hell’s Fargo

I’ve been going through the mortgage process for the past two and a half months. And I had no desire to write about this because there is nothing hipster about it. It’s mostly a bunch of procedures, and stupidity. And I thought I’ve seen my share of stupidity, but boy was I wrong.

It all starts with the house you think you want to buy. And I’ve seen my share of HGTV, so I know you can’t get too attached to any house because things don’t necessarily work out. I applied for mortgage. I supplied them with all the gazillion amount of documents they asked for. Waited for about two weeks, and received a request for some more gazillion of documents because nothing is better than two piles of gazillion of documents. Am I right? I only image the type of training they receive to become a mortgage broker: ‘so first you need to learn this set of vocabulary that makes no sense, then you need to be very anal about it, and under no circumstances try to be helpful.’

First two months were relatively ok-ish. They’ve been hell, but everyone I talked to assured me this is exactly how the mortgage process works for everyone. You keep going around in circles between mortgage broker, another mortgage broker (because good things come in pairs), your real estate agent, their associate (because your original real estate agent went on vacation), seller’s real estate agent, and some other characters that made only occasional appearances in destroying my faith in humanity, and thus won’t be mentioned. Hopefully, my personal experience was out-of-the-norm bad, because otherwise I can’t even.

The best part began about two weeks ago, when I ran out of my contract with the seller, and then everyone started actually working. Because who does things timely? Reasonable people, and those all died out in 1957, remaining survivals went into hiding possibly in Canada. My loan was approved, and was supposedly pending finalization from the underwriter. Mysterious creature who’s name I never got to know. And the underwriter came back with the request to show proof of repairs that needed to be done, based on the home inspection he/she dutifully reviewed. Firstly, all the repairs were minor like a chipped wall, and an exposed wire. Secondly, they wanted me to do repairs on the house I didn’t buy yet because of the application they didn’t finalize yet. Think about that. By this point I was fairly stressed (read neurotic), and I answered them saying something like: this is beyond insane, I’m not fixing the house I don’t own yet. I might have used those same exact words. Also, I put it in writing, signed and dated. This was unprecedented, as they’ve never heard of common sense before. After probably gathering a committee of experts, they came back with saying to have seller fix the house. At which point, I felt like fucking with them and said absolutely not, and they can cancel the whole thing. After committing for some more, they settled on a contract addendum that read nobody is fixing the exposed wire, both seller and buyer and ok with it, signed and dated.

After doing absolutely nothing for some more days, and me calling and emailing on average 5 times a day, they came back saying they can’t verify my employment. This is a form of a total of four questions that gets filled out by HR, and supposedly I can’t participate in it. This is also one of the main things that need to happen in the beginning. We are now 2 months, and one week into the process. But since they were not getting a response from Ramon, they reached out to me in desperation. To which I said this sounds about right because Ramon doesn’t work for us. And gave them the information of the person who does work for us, just because I like logic. The form was then completed, but out of the four questions our HR missed one. Oppsies. It’s like stupidity met with stupidity and had a baby. And then sent that baby to work for our HR. This got fixed. Somehow.

Also, please keep in mind I’m only providing you with highlights of this journey, and sparing you with many more of the magnificent details. Seller put the house back on the market because they got sick of waiting. Can’t blame them. And I just want this shit to be over. My mortgage company continues reviewing.

And yesterday, I get a call telling me that since my current lease begins in July, they don’t have proof of residence for the last 12 months. The fact that I have another lease from before gets dismissed. And because I don’t have proof of residence for the last 12 months, I need to provide proof of additional income from the business I haven’t been telling them about, with W2s. And since I don’t have this business, the loan to debt ratio is too high, and the application will be denied. And my head explodes.

At this point, I can’t even get a letter of denial from them. And I just hope it won’t take 2 and a half months.

Also, I might start a campaign on the benefits of living in cardboard boxes.


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11 thoughts on “Hell’s Fargo

  1. Tatiana

    Omg, this made me laugh out loud! I happened to be a bit familiar with a mortgage process, and will become very familiar in the near future, but I already can foresee how all these things can easily happen to one applying for mortgage .

    People should get some sort of pharmaceutical support before starting the process

    Hilarious post, though I’m very sorry you had no success in this 🙁

    1. Best of luck on your process. I’m starting the process again through a hopefully normal bank. Not looking forward to it. I will need years of recovery.

    1. Oh that picture is perfect.
      About Global Storybook, several already, maybe 5, don’t really keep track. It’s about exposure at this point.

  2. The broker owes half to the realtor
    Who in turn gave half to the seller
    Who left some exposed wire
    And so that upset the underwriter.

    Pens down, back and forth,
    Let’s all see what the property’s worth!
    We’ll delay a little bit here
    And a little bit there.

    Sing that to the tune of “The Moneygoround” by The Kinks. Hopefully it’ll help. At the very least it’ll give you something to do while you’re waiting for the next round of who knows what kind of questions.
    Christopher recently posted…Urban Spaceman.My Profile

    1. I love how you have a soundtrack for everything. 🙂

  3. It’s a comfort to know there are other places in the world besides the U.K. Where buying a house is like wading through swiftly setting concrete with your feet tied together. My step-daughter sold her house, found another one and has been trying to finalise the deal since April.

    There are 3 people in the chain and all are using the same lawyer, she has finally been given a date of October 20th for completetion. And no, no reasonable people involved in her case either. If you happen to find any where you live, please share them with the UK because we have completely run out.
    Gilly Maddison recently posted…What do Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl and Jay Haughton Have In Common?My Profile

    1. I’m telling you, our best bet seems to be Canada.

  4. I hate my life but at least this makes it bebaarle.

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