Facebook decoded

So, I’m about to verbalize probably what everybody is thinking while going through their Facebook feed. Just because it’s Thursday, and you’re welcome.

BTW this does not apply to my Facebook friends who are actual friends. Otherwise we wouldn’t be friends.  Even if does apply to you, you get a pass because I actually like you.

Approach with a good dose of humor.

15 pictures of a baby doing pretty much the same thing. I mean I get that your baby is cute, but I’m scrolling through pictures thinking there is going to be a culmination of some sort. Like maybe the baby will become Jesus or something. But no. You get to the end and it’s just still there, same baby with a slightly more tilted head. And you go that’s it? Not fair.

Can we give it up for ugly people who regularly post pictures of themselves?  Either they don’t know they’re ugly in which case how did that happen?  Or they just don’t care in which case I applaud them. It’s like look: I’m ugly from this angle, and this angle, and even a little bit from the back. I envy your courage, but I’m not liking your pictures.

And then the people who never post anything and one day just go ‘wow…’ and that’s it. And you’re about to scroll further, and be like ‘whatever that was’, but then you scroll back up as your mind slowly goes…but…but I want to know. And you keep checking back to see if somebody asked the question. Because you can’t do it, you barely know them. And then nothing happens. And later that week as you’re lying in bed at night, the thought creeps back in ‘I just really want to know what happened there…’

The athletic people. They always do shit. And they’re happy about it too. I can barely walk 4 flights of stairs, and I most definitely don’t feel like posting a selfie of that. And I mean the joy, pure joy radiating from their faces – how do you do it? I guess by being healthy, but that just completely conflicts with my life style, and has no good effect on my self-esteem.

The people that post inspirational quotes. As strange as this may sound, I like those. Because, damn it, but I get inspired by them sometimes. Those can stay.

The funny stuff. Just make sure it’s funny to me. That’s all I ask.

The missing people. Good luck with that.

The party people. I’m just jealous. Also, sometimes I’m one of you. So this category is off limits.

And then the normal people. Who are there for the balance in universe, I guess. Somebody has to be.

And when you’re done going through all the feeds, Facebook goes: look there’s 9 more things to look at. And you’re like shit, ok Facebook, this one more time and I’m going off to do important things in my life. And you end up spending hours there, until I am happy to report there comes a moment when you’re done. You’ve been looking at Facebook faster than people can post anything new. It’s a level of mastery that can be achieved through years of practice and self-training. I’ve done it, honestly, just follow me and I’ll show you the way.


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