So in anticipation of my coming vacation, all I can talk about is, well, vacation. Remember that I have a sister, she’s pregnant, and she just came back from Jamaica. She was nice enough to share her experiences. I sort of demanded them out of her specifically for this blog. So, you’re welcome
Here we go.
Last day of vacation in Jamaica. As usual, there’s that feeling: I wish we had just one more day… This time though the feeling is also mixed with something new, something I’ve never experienced before [severe diarrhea?]. The anticipation of a miracle of new life, the life I will give [now, is this a modest self-referral to being the creator of miracles or what]. The nervous feeling of the unknown upcoming changes. The realization that next time our vacation will include a party of three [that’s going to be a one expensive miracle].
Sitting at the gorgeous Jamaican beach with a view of the calm turquoise waters of the Bloody Bay [WTF. Who came up with that catchy name. Were you also feeling the warm breeze and the smell of rotting corpses?]. I’m reflecting back on this vacation and feeling that it helped me to relax [the Bloody Bay does that to you] and prepare for the arrival of our baby girl. This vacation was different. I couldn’t enjoy the exotic tropical drinks and get that pleasant buzz that makes you love everything and wish for world peace [I tend to just want to shake my booty when I’m buzzed, but ok]. That’s the whole point of a vacation, right? [YES.] To have a legit reason to drink mimosas for breakfast, mojito for lunch, and pina colada for dinner [somebody got dreamy]. Well, I obviously couldn’t do that this time around and was genuinely worried how I’m going to go 100% sober on vacation and make a fun company for my hubby [insert suspense music here]. I have to give him credit. With the exception of a couple of times when he mentioned that it’d be nice to have a couple of friends [I honestly thought she’ll say ‘couple of times when he got senselessly hammered] he was a good sport [goo’ boy].
So, I had to learn to appreciate the relaxation without the buzz. I’m proud to say that I succeeded. I appreciated the soothing sound of the waves caressing the shore, the cheerful chirping of birds, and the pleasant morning sun [because everything is just better at the BLOODY BAY]. I was especially happy with my sober vacation when I saw hungover vacationers dragging their bodies around noon [zombies of the Bloody Bay], when the merciless sun heat only made them seek shelter at the pool bar [I wouldn’t at all mind such shelter. At all]. I doubt they remembered much of their vacation experience [are you supposed to?] Ha! That’s what your get for not being pregnant! [Not remembering your vacation because you partied too hard. Since 1995.]
Another benefit (or detriment to some people) of vacationing while pregnant in Jamaica is that the beach vendors trying to sell weed leave you alone when they see your protruding belly. Well, most of the time. I’ve had a few encounters when the vendors tried to convince me that getting high is good for the baby and me. Some of you may agree with that point, but I don’t think any drug is good in such case. Don’t argue with me. I’m pregnant! Period. [YEAH. Shut up, you fucking asshole! (I honestly don’t know who we’re yelling at)]
In the end, pregnant vacation was great. Jamaican people were fun and gave me all kinds of preferential treatment [being white doesn’t hurt preferential treatment either. That was only a slightly racist comment.] I get the feeling that after the baby comes I will no longer be at the center of attention [you can still be the center of my attention. I hereby promise not to pay any mind to that baby. Ok, I take it back] . So, I cherish these moments and feel like all this positive energy accumulates in me, ready to be poured into my little new bundle of screaming and pooping joy. Yeah mon!
P.S. My lady is gorgeous. And she’s been through Bloody Bay, so don’t mess with her.