Apartment hunting, or why I might stab someone

Ok I couldn’t just let you go off on your long weekend without some words of wisdom. Which would be: I hope you make some questionable choices this weekend, and get away with them. Also, use sunscreen. Skin care is important.


But seriously this week was full of anxiety for me. Because I’m in the process of looking for a new apartment. I actually have been in this process for the past several months. And I tell you it’s been nerve wracking for me. Whoever says it’s so much fun to hunt and look at different places, can go fuck themselves.  Because this is pretty much the conversations that happened in my head: decide on location, size, price. Find the right location, size, but overpriced. Find the proper price, size, but shitty location. Find the proper price, size, location! But then it’s a shitty looking apartment. So back to the original list of requirements, note to self: apartment cannot look as if it had bums squatting in it for the past century.


Believe it or not but my original list of requirements had this: character. I wanted an apartment with a character, like an exposed brick wall, maybe extra high ceilings, or in the very least a fireplace. HAHAHAHA. Silly, silly me. Might as well wished for a unicorn as the next-door neighbor.


Firstly, there are pages and pages of posts that are simply garbage. Meaning they’re just lies, as in not true, as in not even fucking close. This actually happened to me. I saw a nice looking apartment, got in touch with the person representing it, we met. She showed me the apartment. It looked nothing like the photos. Completely run down, ready to collapse on itself apartment. Considering this is Brooklyn, this part did not surprise me. But I had to say something, so I went ‘this looks nothing like the pictures’. The girl fretted and said ‘probably because past tenants’ stuff is still here’. So then I said ‘no, I’m pretty sure it’s not the case’. So then she said ‘anything in particular bothers you’. So then I yelled ‘yeah bitch, you fucking lied to me’. But only in my head. Out loud I said ‘Well the ceiling looks like it’s about to fall off’. She continued our fun game ‘would you maybe say it adds to the character?’ (here was the character I was looking for) So then I said ‘No. I would say, I’m afraid for my life standing underneath it’. I was losing patience, can you tell? And she simply responded ‘ok, that is definitely something that can be discussed’. I was done making discussions, I was ready to get the fuck out of there.


Secondly, this might be just me, but I get through to the most rude people. The classic one – doesn’t pick up. Second classic – picks up, has a conversation with you, promises to call back, and then doesn’t. Third, might not be classic, but picks up and yells at you. I called this guy and after the initial standard exchange, he went ‘No!’ And I was like ‘what?’.

-You don’t want the apartment, it would be too small for you.

-Well, we haven’t seen the sizes of each other, I’m not sure how you came to that conclusion.

-Stop waiting my time.



And final most irritating thing is what I call the sales dance. It’s when you both need to pretend interest, then dissatisfaction, then willingness to work through it, then hesitation, then excitement, then second thoughts…It’s like both of you understand that you’re adult people making a business transaction, but instead of being upfront and reasonable, you need to act like drunken babies. Why can’t we just say ‘look, it’s a nice apartment but I’ll charge you extra for it’, and me ‘look, my documents are all in order, but I have a cat that pees on shit’ (also, I’m not telling about the cat until the last minute (same as you not telling me about some extra fee until it’s time to sign)).


And then when you finally decide to apply, it’s like applying for a NASA space launch. And even if you do actually get everything together and send it to them, they become suspicious. You have everything, everything we asked you? Well, that’s just pretty damn suspicious.


So you know what. I’m getting drunk tonight.


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